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44.- Friends Cut
Apr. 5th, 2014 04:19 pmI’m not that special to receive your attention, I know that.
You all have your very own problems and complicated lives and it’s okay. I wish I could help instead, relieving a little bit of your own stress.
Unfortunately I can’t. I can’t really do anything unless you open up to me, unless you talk to me. And I don’t know how to manage that. I’m not good at keeping long friendships. I’ve been avoiding my RL best friend for over a year now, which I can’t even begin to understand why. We’ve always been different, and yet it has always worked out, our friendship. But now, I find myself unable to reply her sms, unable to say hi through facebook and, as always, unable to call. I haven’t met my highschoold friend’s baby girl, even though I helped her hook up with a uni friend I had and they’re now married. I’ve been earnestly avoiding my highschool’s friend’s invitation to some sort of reunion they’re planning.
I’ve been shutting out myself, yet again.
If asked, I always say I’m used to being ignored by people. Even when I manage to be around a good, tight group of friends (at school, at highschool, at both unis I went to), I always was the one left aside at one point, the one that suddenly just didn’t fit anymore.
And that’s okay, I guess.
Because for the past years, I didn’t care. I could always count on my online friends. I’d say hi and they’d say hi back at me and we could talk for hours about really deep stuff I couldn’t tell anyone in RL, except for my siblings. And that meant the world to me. I could cry with you shamelessly because you’d never see my screwed-up face, and yet I’d choose over and over again to tell you I was crying. I tried my best to convey my feelings, to form a real friendship with you regardless the distance or the different cultures we have.
And here I find myself 4 years later, unable to even say hi. Crying at the lack of reply. And I keep telling myself the same excuses. That you are busy. That you have your own problems. That being friends doesn’t mean you have to be aware of my every tweet, of all my LJ posts. Stuff like that.
But the truth is… maybe it’s my fault. Maybe I didn’t really build real friendships with you if I’m unable to say “It hurts me you ignore me” to the people I’ve felt ignored by. Maybe I didn’t try hard enough before and I’m not entitled to. But if we were friends at one point, if it hurts me we don’t speak at all anymore, I should at least give it a try and say it.
I can’t.
I’ve never been able to face people and demand for attention. I don’t feel worth of any attention at all. I’ve never had.
And now I look at the friendships you have managed to build with other people and just think: they don’t need me at all, what else there is for me to offer if they have all those wonderful people? Truth is I have nothing to offer, nothing at all. I’ve noticed how little we have in common, how whiny I am about my fucking whole life even though my biggest problem is myself. So yeah, I understand you don’t want to hang out with me anymore.
So I decided over these days I’ve spent without Internet, to make a friends cut. Usually you’d ask people to comment if they want to keep friends with you, right? I’m doing a different thing here. Most of you usually ignore my posts, so probably I’m taking advantage of this fact.
Forgive me if I am.
But, if you want me to stop annoying you once and for all, probably just commenting on the fics or fanarts you post, please comment on this. Comment in this post and let me know if you want me out of your life and I’ll understand. I’ll unfollow you from twitter, defriend you from facebook and even stop being your friends in LJ. Everything you want, me out of your virtual life, and I will. I promise. But just let me know once and for all, so I don’t break my brain thinking I’m being a bother in your life just because I said hi and you didn’t have the time to reply back, even though you were having 5 conversations at that time. I think it’ll make both of our lives easier. I’ll stop suffering so much and you’ll get rid of a nuisance.
That’s all, I guess.
Have a nice life, thanks for the attention, I guess.
You all have your very own problems and complicated lives and it’s okay. I wish I could help instead, relieving a little bit of your own stress.
Unfortunately I can’t. I can’t really do anything unless you open up to me, unless you talk to me. And I don’t know how to manage that. I’m not good at keeping long friendships. I’ve been avoiding my RL best friend for over a year now, which I can’t even begin to understand why. We’ve always been different, and yet it has always worked out, our friendship. But now, I find myself unable to reply her sms, unable to say hi through facebook and, as always, unable to call. I haven’t met my highschoold friend’s baby girl, even though I helped her hook up with a uni friend I had and they’re now married. I’ve been earnestly avoiding my highschool’s friend’s invitation to some sort of reunion they’re planning.
I’ve been shutting out myself, yet again.
If asked, I always say I’m used to being ignored by people. Even when I manage to be around a good, tight group of friends (at school, at highschool, at both unis I went to), I always was the one left aside at one point, the one that suddenly just didn’t fit anymore.
And that’s okay, I guess.
Because for the past years, I didn’t care. I could always count on my online friends. I’d say hi and they’d say hi back at me and we could talk for hours about really deep stuff I couldn’t tell anyone in RL, except for my siblings. And that meant the world to me. I could cry with you shamelessly because you’d never see my screwed-up face, and yet I’d choose over and over again to tell you I was crying. I tried my best to convey my feelings, to form a real friendship with you regardless the distance or the different cultures we have.
And here I find myself 4 years later, unable to even say hi. Crying at the lack of reply. And I keep telling myself the same excuses. That you are busy. That you have your own problems. That being friends doesn’t mean you have to be aware of my every tweet, of all my LJ posts. Stuff like that.
But the truth is… maybe it’s my fault. Maybe I didn’t really build real friendships with you if I’m unable to say “It hurts me you ignore me” to the people I’ve felt ignored by. Maybe I didn’t try hard enough before and I’m not entitled to. But if we were friends at one point, if it hurts me we don’t speak at all anymore, I should at least give it a try and say it.
I can’t.
I’ve never been able to face people and demand for attention. I don’t feel worth of any attention at all. I’ve never had.
And now I look at the friendships you have managed to build with other people and just think: they don’t need me at all, what else there is for me to offer if they have all those wonderful people? Truth is I have nothing to offer, nothing at all. I’ve noticed how little we have in common, how whiny I am about my fucking whole life even though my biggest problem is myself. So yeah, I understand you don’t want to hang out with me anymore.
So I decided over these days I’ve spent without Internet, to make a friends cut. Usually you’d ask people to comment if they want to keep friends with you, right? I’m doing a different thing here. Most of you usually ignore my posts, so probably I’m taking advantage of this fact.
Forgive me if I am.
But, if you want me to stop annoying you once and for all, probably just commenting on the fics or fanarts you post, please comment on this. Comment in this post and let me know if you want me out of your life and I’ll understand. I’ll unfollow you from twitter, defriend you from facebook and even stop being your friends in LJ. Everything you want, me out of your virtual life, and I will. I promise. But just let me know once and for all, so I don’t break my brain thinking I’m being a bother in your life just because I said hi and you didn’t have the time to reply back, even though you were having 5 conversations at that time. I think it’ll make both of our lives easier. I’ll stop suffering so much and you’ll get rid of a nuisance.
That’s all, I guess.
Have a nice life, thanks for the attention, I guess.
