57. Hard Times... by Norilys Cermeño

Well, I've been wanting to post things in my LJ for a long time now, but stuff happens and so I don't or can't or... /lesigh
I don't know what I want to do with this "place" anymore... At the beginning of the year I was extremely excited and had a bunch of plans... And then Venezuela happened and I just couldn't focus in anything but Uni and work and... surviving, I guess...

I've been writing here and there... Spending too much time in a little story I thought over my last holiday (that was back in December), trying to make it something more than my usual superficial fics, but failing... I'm losing myself in trying to write fics and I don't know what to do anymore, but I want to go back to a couple of years ago when writing was super important for me and I could do it (or at least felt like I could) and I loved my stories and... I don't know, I really don't know anymore. I used to do it because I loved doing it... And I still love writing, but it's simply not the same anymore... I don't know what's important about stories and sometimes I focus on the number of words I write or the number of people who comment on them (which is simply depressing in this moment), and I know that's wrong... And yet, when I try to focus on the story, when I try to develop something -anything- I can't help to feel like I'm just failing at that... I guess that focusing on numbers is easier.... And then I have a lot of stories that I want to finish, piling up by the day, but whenever I try to focus on them, it's just impossible. I don't feel fit anymore to write those... It's like my "talent" is only for slightly entertaining stories -emphasis in slightly- and nothing else, and that makes me feel like it's kinda pointless for me to write those because, at the end of the day, nobody remembers those stories, nobody cares about those....

So what's really the point?

Every night I get back home feeling so tired that I cannot think about writing those useless stories of mine, so I simply don't. Besides, living in Venezuela, it makes it feel even more pointless to do that. We're in the middle of a big crisis and throughout the whole 2016 I've been feeling broken economically and emtionally. I won't the Teacher Assistant contest back in February (I guess I can cross out that goal for the year) and started helping my underclassmates with their essays and stuff. I haven't been paid yet, haven't even finished doing the whole process, so I basically worked for free. it's not that big of a payment, but considering the situation, anything can help me. During the whole month of February and part of March the dinning hall at uni stopped working and that meant that we had to buy our food... And things are either extremely expensive or they're simply non-existant, so doing groceries is a big challenge. We're trying to live with my salary from teaching English at Fundaidiomas... But that's not even minimum wage. Considering we're three of us here, with less than minimum wage... well, it's not that difficult doing the math. I got myself that job, I also tried my best to win the Teaching Assistant position to earn more money and I'm teaching English to two friends of mine to earn just a bit more, but it's still sooooooo difficult. Neither my brother nor my sister are working, so they don't understand the kind of stress I'm feeling at this moment. I sort of feel responsible for them, I want to earn enough money to help them.... But I'm so damned tired!!!! I feel like crying every day and I try to joke with them about getting a job, but I also know it's not that eay.

However, I don't know if they understand my position. I'm not even the oldest sibling here!!! I feel like asking big bro why the hell he's not trying to help? But at the same time... I don't know, I don't feel like I have the right to demand anything. What I earn it's for the three of us, that's how mom raised us.

Now, I have under 100Bs in one debit card (100Bs is the highest denomination bill) and I just got paid 2000 in my other card, so we're trying to survive with that for nw. The three of us our doing our best to live right now, even if it means starve from time to time because we just can't get food to fill our stomachs.

I hate complaining so much, but the situation is so critical... Last time I weighed myself, I weighed 47Kg and ever since my brother told me I look even thinner. I feel so tired all teh time because we're not eating enough to get energy. My stomach hurts 24/7... And I have to work under those conditions. At least the dinning hall started working last week and that was like the biggest fucking relief ever!!!! But we're still not sure how we'll get by the end of the month.... which is when I get paid again...

I'm actually considering taking on another job. My parents are incredibly worried about me, they don't want me to get sick, but... I'm 27 years old and they're already paying for mine and my brother's flat. I don't want to ask for any more money from them, because they're also in a pinch over there. So I don't see any othr thing I can do to help.

And through all this, I can't help feeling depressed. I... I want to write again. Writing was always an escape rute for me. A relaxing escape. And now I cannot even get that...

I feel so lost that... I don't know.
I'm gonna start writing in here even if nobody checks on it anymore. I want to record these hard times in which me and my siblings oversleep in order not to have to spend money on breakfast. I'll do it in hopes I never forget these struggles and also in order to compare my situation when everything gets better.
I'll do it because maybe, just maybe, it'll help me get the kick in the ass that I need to start writing the same way I used to in the past.

Nory~